I Knew
by Chika Hoshi
Summary: AU I knew yet I feel it anyway. I'm so lucky that someone else should have my spot. ::A DARKER RIMA::
1. When You're Trap in the Dark Circle,

**A/N: To be warn, there is strong words so don't be alarm when they are placed. **

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_'"'…I'm not like other parents, who go around having fun and only give their kid little things to eat like noodles cup. My friends are like that; they tell me...why should I care about you when in the fututre when you have money and have a job, you won't care about me and... I sometime believe them. But I don't think like that…I love you too much…and when you have a family and I have to work to take care of your kids and be a lifeless robot. Your uncles and aunts get to go around and have fun while we only get to go around only a little…we help your grandparents…and they still kick us out…"_

My eyes were burning but I refuse to cry. It hurts so much just to hear her and know that she'll just keep saying those painful words over and over. I didn't want to hear it and I know how much right she was and yet she was so wrong at the same time. I know she'll think it's crazy but…I don't know. I tried to argue but then I didn't want to bother to do something that'll only hurt me deeper. And so I type away until I can completely let everything I feel out. But when will that be? How will that day come? I don't know.

And I really don't.

It was all a circle to me. I wished it would stop. But it won't, all it will do is spin faster and faster until I am busied of guilt and pain.

And like I said about the circle, I will heal and be busied and be healing again, knowing that I couldn't be any luckier. How I am bless. And I am.

Still, I envy all those who have a reason, an excuse to feel that they are, and still be happy when life was against them. I shouldn't complain about my life. And I don't complain about it. It's been wonderful; the main thing to this point that kept me up was comedy. I can laugh and enjoy them while being by myself while I know how mess up this world is. I know it's wrong of me to be like this but who hasn't have a sin? And how is it wrong of me when I didn't get a choice to be a sin but no one gets a choice to be created in the womb. And is it wrong of me to live the way I want and have people tell me that I need to change bad habits? Heh, I fucking disagree. What is me is me.

_"'Stupid kid, all you do is use the internet, you have no life. You will feed your kid internet, bathe your kid in internet, teach your kid internet…'"_

I didn't have any friends to say that they knew me so well that I can call them something deeper than a friend, all say that I was shy and quiet and how lived on was by going online and enjoyed anime but who am I to kid? I'm so damn lucky and it hurts to be push down when it wins. I'm so stupid that it's fucking pathetic. But I wish that it would change though, just someone knowing without me having to say it. But oh come on, how they know if I don't say it? How will they know if I don't express it? That wish of mine was along with my dreams. Gone.

And all I am is a spoiled bitch blond who has the spot all the unlucky kids want. And I wish that they had my spot so they can have a happy and wonderful life that I was unable to fulfill for my parents. I know someone else fit the role better who wanted a wish to be lived happy. I wish that I could run away and never come back however I knew better to think that running was the chose. It's funny how I use to think that. I know better now and hopefully, I'll know more than I do now. And that'll be the day I wouldn't blame myself like I do now, when I finally found my closer to everything that had happen to me, both dull and interesting points.

I am bitter, I am harsh, I am rude, I am selfish, I am stupid, I am smart, I am weak, I am small, I am hurt. And all that I feel and all that I am…again I don't know as much than I wish I did.

And too my last final thoughts before I bid farewell: If you could ever see though my eyes and without a doubt can see what I see, know that if that ever does come true tell me and I will tell you--"'

I printed it out and looked at what I wrote. After a good and long look at it, I folded the piece of paper and head outside of my backyard. And it was a big backyard compare to normal Japanese homes. My parents brought this home so I can play around in this vast yard. But I was never athletic and thus I was a failure to be that cheerful girl they wanted.

I gather a bunch of leaves and I got out a match and lit a fire. I toss the match in and throw my typed paper along with it. What I finally spoken about has finally been gone too.

As I watched the fire, lots of things went inside my head. And many of them included what I wrote I down.

I continue to look at the fire, I can feel what the fire longed to do. So much going on and just what to be put out to be at peace but instead dies out without anything else to keep it going in certain. But you probably think if you ever could have known what I thought, that I was crazy.

Finally when the burning light has put to smoke and faded away, I piled up the ashes, not caring if I get dirty and lifted them up and let the wind do its job.

I heard a rhythm, and who it was, I knew.

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**A/N: That was in Rima's POV but I decided not to put 'Rima's POV' because I think it'll just ruin the start of the story and I did put Rima as 1st character. I hate to make things short; only a little over a 1,000 words is not enough for me but I did it anyway.** **And to be honest, most of it it out of my feelings. Too personal? Yes, but I think the Rima fanfiction needs to change things up a bit and not with the plot. Out of all that I've read so far was too similar with Rima's parents fighting over but I can understand why. It was base out of the real manga/anime. But as a writer who wants to change some things in Shugo Chara fanfiction, I put it. If anyone knows any highly well written Shugo Chara fanfictions (not any Rimahiko fanfics because I checked and read a lot of them though I did not read some of them base of the words, chapter, etc.) then let me know. And I mean REALLY TOP quality that makes me go 'wow, that was..." and something that is not like 'wow, that was boring/predictable'. I am sorry but I am picky of what's really really good and what's really not or it was okay and such. And I know too well that I am not the best writer in the world but I still write because it helps me out of my system. And to wonder why I love to watch Shugo Chara so much. I mean it ss predictable as well but I love it anyways, unsensely.**

**I was going to leave this as a one-shot but now I am thinking I should continue this. But it's not my top priority because I already have two on-going series. But if anyone, even just one, ask me that they like it so much that they want me to update, I may do it quicker because I will etremely happy. But just so anyone knows, this isn't going to be very long. Maybe one or two more be it. But when I think about it, I don't really think anyone would like it that much, if it's even possbile to be liked.**

**I DO NOT OWN SHUGO CHARA AND IF I DID I WOULD HAVE BEEN THINGS A LITTLE (AWFULLY ALOT) DIFFERENT!!!! **


	2. How Will You know to Find Freedom?

2 Years Later~

I wrapped my wet hair with my towel and was sitting at the swing outside of my yard. It felt good with the wind after taking a shower. It's refreshing.

It's been a little over nine years since I lived in this house. I'm still failing gym which also means I hate running especially for this thing call 'the mile run'.

Trying to get a mile before twelve minutes was frustrating. I'm always last and I could never keep up my rhythm. It's always lengthy soon longer than others, ugh. I envy those who don't have short and weak legs like mine!

"Rima if you want to go buy something I'll give you some money." Mama said, hinting in a caring tone. She looked tired from work and to add, she had argument with papa too about him losing the check.

"No, I don't need it." I said. We just had an argument two hours ago. Now she's back to her usual self. She gets happy, then mad, happy, then mad again; it's difficult for me. I wished that she'll enjoy herself more so she won't complain about not getting to have more fun because of me.

I never asked for a lot; I don't mind living off of noodle cups and rice balls but I guess she just want something to make me feel horrible about.

"It's okay," she says, "Enjoy yourself and have fun." She was talking about me going with a friend of mine to the mall. I'm glad that she's less strict about me going with someone because I was almost kidnapped once. I thought the feud between my parents would never go away. But with a help from a friend of mine, it turned to be better than before.

"No it's okay, mama." I told her but then the home phone rang and she went back inside to answer it. I sigh, pushing my legs a little to swing myself.

I was still looking for someone…but I can wait forever.

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"Rima-chan!" My pink-haired friend waves across my way. I smiled softly and waved back. I couldn't wait until school is over. She's the one who I'm hanging at the mall. She's probably the closest person who ever bother to be friends with me.

"Rima-chan, if you don't mind, I'm bringing a two other friends of mine, is that okay with you?" She asked me with a smile that glow effortlessly.

"Sure," I said, "who are they?"

She giggled, "You'll see, Rima-chan. I'm I think you'll like them."-than she took something from her bag and handed me a box warped neatly in red and pink colors warping paper; I tilted my head wondering for what; Amu must have notice because she giggled-"Did you forgot a important Rima-chan? Don't you remember your own birthday?" She smile widely and childishly and my jaw fell just a little. How could I forget my birthday?! Well I guess I know why she's taking me to the mall…I guess.

"I had plenty of more important things to worry of than my birthday, Amu-chan." I stated boldly and firmly.

"But aww, it's your birthday, Rima. You outta at least be happy on your birthday." She gave me gesture to open the gift.

I softly sigh that formed a frown on my face, "I can't be happy for myself,"-I looked up a bit-"when I don't want to."

Her shining honey eyes sparkles with a sad feeling that's being toning, filled with concern like her voice supposing is, "Rima, you need to change that bad habit."

My frown deepen, _I hate it _when people tries to give me a reason for myself. The bell rang, "It's time to go to class don't you think."

She frowned but said, "Okay, see you after second period."

"Alright." I said. _Sometimes I wonder if I can ever call her my best friend. I envy her too much for her natural. _

And with that our going bad conversation had ended which I was grateful for. It was _traits of a typical heroine. _

"Rima-chan," I squinted my honey color eyes in disgust; I disdain that well trained legato voice that's calling for me.

"What do you want, Fujisaki?" I said in a certain and clear tone, turning to him with my cold eyes towards to his brownish-gold-ish ones. Truth to be told, I don't like him an awfully lot. He's a liar.

"Nikaidou-sensei wanted me to hand you this." He holds out some papers to me. I took them and mutter thanks. I mean, I do not like him and I can be rude to him but I'm growing to be more polite along with other traits too.

"Um," he said softly somewhat sounded unlike him; he's a real playboy if you didn't know and that's another reason why I don't like him, "Nikaidou-sensei said that you needed help with your grades, so…"-he shoved his hands into his pockets-"if you want, I can tutor you."

I'm not so surprise that he would ask me such 'kindnesses to me. I don't take it anything special because he would to this so anyone. However I thought about it for a moment I do need the grades, mama have been telling me that I need to get my grades up for college.

'_Work hard to get good grades…you can get a scholarship so I won't have to pay a lot…and then you won't have to work hard as me and your papa…you know we had to work hard to get were we are…when we had you a little a while, your papa's parents kicked us out with no support for ourselves not even a little. They did not even __**hold **__you were you were a baby. They don't care about you. They never gave us any damn about anything not like with your grandmamma. She loved all her children and though we had little money, she still worked hard to buy a car for me…_'

"Sure. Thank you." I said and he gave me an odd look. "What?"

"You're…you're smiling." He said.

Now that he said it and I notice that; he's right. I smiled. It's rare for me when I do that for someone other than my love for comedy and Amu. Everyone in this school knows me as a real ice doll well except maybe Amu.

"You're right." I said. "So how about tomorrow after school at the library? I have to do something after school."

"Okay," he said, "I was doing something after school today too."

"Okay then," I said, "see ya."

We walked off in different directions and I suddenly had two thoughts: One, I actually he isn't that bad, even if it was a little. And two, I'M LATE TO CLASS!!

Shoot, I'm trying to running fast as I can if you're imagining this but sadly like I said, I suck at running or anything sporty girl. SO I'M STILL GOING TO BE LATE!

_Tap, tap, tap…_my shoes clicked on the floor. Damn, why did I have to be an idiot? By the time I reached to the next class, I controlled my breathing and tried my best to sneak in. Once I open the door, silently, I began to crawl my way in and began to close the door. Hopefully I can pass though without anyone noticing me.

"Mashiro-san." An angry tone flew down to my ear. I didn't have to guess who it was.

"Ah, Hoshi-sensei, it's nice to see you…up there." I smiled sheepishly. She was still piss.

"Detention."

"Yes sensei." I said dully. Damn her.

~After class~

All that I could think about through is that I got my very first detention. Mama is going to be mad at me.

"Mashiro-san, I want to speak with you. Come here please." Hoshi-sensei brushed the strands of hair off of her face as she commanded me. She was still typing on her laptop. She was calm now like teachers would be after something 'bad' had happen. I wanted to say 'no' but I knew I would be in bigger trouble so I just did what she told me. I walked up to her desk waiting for her to say what she wanted to talk about. Most likely it's about what I did earlier. I would protest but then again these teachers wouldn't take any excuses. Finally she stopped typing and looked straight at me. It was getting kind of awkward but I kept my poise.

"You don't have to go to the detention." She said.

"Eh?" I looked at her confused.

"Hotori-san told me what happen. You can go now." She explained while fixing her oval glasses.

"Hai, Hoshi-sensei." I said and started my way out to the door.

"Oh, and Mashiro-san," She spoke and I turn to look back at her, "I know there's a huge life ahead of you. It's just trying to make you think it through more little by little. Just don't let it go by, Rima-chan."

She smiled like she knew about my internal conflict, I could see it in her brown eyes; I smiled back, "Hai, Hoshi-sensei."

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When the school was over for the day, Amu immediately dragged me and introduce to people I already knew: Hotori Tadase and Fujisaki Nagihiko.

Oh boy.

Apparently Amu is dating prince boy (A/N: Not in the bad way! I love Tadase!) and probably thinking trying to hook me up with girly-boy. But then again both of them are pretty boys.

We spent most of the evening shopping and talking. I learned a lot of the dudes, actually. They're a lot different than I expected. Tadase wants to take his studies for to take the career somewhere in the government and want to help improve the society in Japan and even other countries. I just thought he wanted to rule the world. But I guess that could have changed a little since we were all kids.

Nagihiko wants to be a basketball player. Weird, his family's tradition is the Kabuki. But I guess looks can be deceiving like with me…

As we continue walking, I notice something though the windows. Karate. The students there were young and small while there were some about twelve or fourteen year olds. I felt a heavy pain clinging to my chest. I'm having that feeling again.

I remember when I used to take karate when I was little because of a friend. I enjoyed it but I guess you can say I was never serious. When I got older I felt every time I got a new belt…that it was too easy. When I finally got to black belt, my parents didn't let me continue because of two reasons: we couldn't afford to any more and that they had also blamed me for unable to protect myself from the kidnapper and had told me to quit. I actually really liked it and I asked my dad if I could back. He said when I get older. I am older. Lies told me that I would come back. I haven't yet and I don't know about it anymore. I…like other things now. For example, comedy. And for me to feel this way…I feel like I'm betraying my word to a sensei of mine. I can only hope if she can forgive me…or even better, forgot about me. If so, then those way things could be easier that way. Though things are never easy if you desired endlessly by truth and not for the moment.

_It doesn't matter. I want to know if you want to join. I don't want you to go play around and only have fun and not be serious, Rima. Don't waste my money…_

"Rima-chan?" Amu suddenly spoke out.

"Eh?" I turned my head to her, getting away from my thoughts.

"Are you okay? You're staring." She said to me with concern. I sighed; she's a friend, of course she would be worry about me.

"Oh, I'm alright." I said and I did not want to deal with the same old thing so I skipped the best I can, drifting the upcoming tensions. "It's time to go back home, don't cha you think? I go to go, bye!" I waved and ran fast as I could. They were probably still worried or at the very least, Amu was but it alright. I can live with that.

With the happy-to-mad-to-happy-again parents, D's and C's grade, bad personalities, these sins I carry, a friend who I sometimes wonder if I can call them that, my lucky damn life, my past, my opinions, my choices, my regrets, pretty much a lot of thing.

Still I can't help but to rewind them over. Heh, I must have got that from my parents, always repeating the same damn things. But I still love them anyway. The ones who took care of me; fed me; raised me even I was difficult. But they were also the ones who said untruthful things and that were what I hated the most that they did. I wished that they watch that they say and I knew mama would say, 'don't talk back to your parents' and many more.

But we can't always get want we want, and like it or not, many people a mask of dishonesty just may take over anyone easily just for the fame, the fortune, the glory, respect, oh how low people can go just to get it. And it can just be for the smallest and so easily-looking as well. But for me I wouldn't be like that. Even though I'm known to be an ice doll, I'm really nice but I really don't know how to say, that's all. But people have to think that if they don't anwser you, they think that you're a snob. That's so snobby of them! I would so give them a piece of my mind if I wasn't so shy! Man...I'm sweating right now...

I hadn't notice that I ran so much. Thinking too much really must have helped. I looked around the area I was at. I was at the alley of the downtown parts in the dark. Bad choice to make. I sighed again, I wonder if someone ever will answer my questions.

"I wonder asking these stupid questions are stupid." I said to not specifically to anyone.

"I don't think that they're stupid. Just that, you already knew the answer to every single one of them from the moment you asked them. All you wanted was someone to know it too. And I'll be here for you, Rima-chan." I froze at first but I quickly let myself relax a bit. The voice was from someone I knew and I smile, turning back to look what the shadows had to unfold.

**Fin**

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**A/N: That's the end and it's still TOO SHORT FOR ME. I apologize that it looks rushing but the main conflict of this short little story here was about Rima's intertnal conflict and not** **really about the external problems. And this one is less darker because this is more of the bright side like I said about the circle thingy. Truthfully, I don't know if you could call this a cliffhanger...*weak laugh* And to honest again, I hate to leave cliff-hangers but that's what makes it good I guess. I perfer to make things clear and to the exact point of it but for this story...*shrugs* The way I ended it...you can say I haven't found my own, like I said about the last A/N, this fanfic was about my own feelings. But I envy Rima despite of her parents fighting. She's pretty, has great friends like Amu-chan and Yaya-chan, and of course, NAGIHIKO!!! Haha, I shouldn't envy an anime character but I'm doing it anyway! Hope that you like anyway.**


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